a strongly worded complaint

[Fez]

i have tried to be reasonable and patient about this but i simply cannot remain silent about the cautostrophic decline in the standards of this forum any longer. what kind of a moralless fiend would allow the shocking embarassment that disfigures the forum to remain? yes, i understand every man and his dog seems to have suffered some sort of traumatic childhood sexual abuse these days, but i hardly think such private horrors should be allowed to lower the overall level of professionalism displayed by this site.

i am of course referring to the [count them goodness' sake!] four fullstops that appear in the little blurb under the main link for the friends forum, making it appear in such a degrading fashion thus:

FRIENDS FORUM, there is a comfortable couch, coffee and cookies in here...
.maybe.

in particular i object to the word 'maybe ' being bordered by the stray fourth period and a clearly traumatised fifth in what can only be seen as an accelerater to the decline of civil rights in this country. please rectify this shaming error at once or i will be forced to...gumble somemore! hurumph! hurumph!

[Mike]

Dear Sir or Madam

Thank you for you letter of [compliment] / complaint. We at rileyuk.org would like to assure you that this issue is of the [least] / greatest importance to us and will be taken under immediate consideration. In addition to this we are pleased to confirm that our customer satisfaction department will been keen to take this matter directly to a design committee, followed by a public assessment survey and then finally a feedback consultation with the relevant authorities. This makes us about four times more efficient than the British Civil Service and about 67.33648% of British Companies. As you can imagine, we are very proud of our efficiency and will deal with this matter forthwith.

Our target date for dealing with your complaint is about 3.65965 years. You can notice from this target date that we will take approximately 20% of the time it took to build Terminal Five at Heathrow airport and you can expect the same high quality of service.

All the best
The author. Who can not be named for legal reasons. . . .

PS Off to change it now. It will take the authorities longer to figure out who is to blame for breaching the standard procedure than it will to decide on the full stop issue in the first place.

PPS The deleted sections of this standard form are in italics for clarity.

[Mike]

Dear Sir

We write to inform you that despite our best efforts there is an error in our system that is preventing us from altering the description. Unfortunately it will take a while to resolve. Oops.

ttfn
M

[Mike]

Yay! The system is working again. It was a corrupt file on the server, doh! The new description is running and has no extra full stops.

[Fez]

to whom it may concern,
i would like to thank you for the prompt response in dealing with the issue of concern [letter ref: 13/04/2008 "a strongly worded complaint"], and i have advised the client in question to cease legal action on the grounds of breach of professional care and/or unnecessary emotional trauma. he/she is currently seeking a second option owing to the gross misconduct charges this office is being investigated for.
yours sincerely,
b. body of smith, jones, jones and vanity-taylor associates inc.