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The Astley Times
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:39 pm
by Fez
PERSONAL ADS
Rich bachelor, 74, seeks young nubile girl 16-25 for final fling before death. Must like spending other people?s money, long repetitive conversations that don?t go anywhere and butterscotch toffees
Mummy?s boy, 35, short, balding and overweight seeks similar female to share interest in caravans and lawnmowers. Please send picture of caravan
Scared of commitment? Domineering workaholic businesswoman, 42, wants younger man for sex and nothing else. Applicants should telephone to arrange an appointment. No virgins
Possessive young woman with a number of restraining orders issued against her seeks married man to dream about and plot death of current wife. No time wasters
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:40 pm
by Fez
FOR SALE
Realistic looking inflatable doll, 5?6, blonde hair, blue eyes, puncture repair kit included. One careful owner
Chainsaw and hockey mask, blood stains optional, suitable for murder spree. Partially used
Solid oak coffin, red satin interior, brass fittings throughout, would suit a man or woman approx. 6ft. Genuine reasons for resale
Rabbits for sale either as pets, pie fillings, scientific experiments, coats or interesting fur accessories. Contact Geoff at the Happy Valley pet shop. More in stock every week throughout breeding season
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:40 pm
by Fez
PROPERTY
Manchester city centre apartment, fully furnished, double-glazed, 30 inch TV and incredible stereo included. Was once love nest for happy couple ? revenge is mine you bastard
Shack in Alabama, great views of local dust bowl, en suite toilet pot, no electric, gas or central heating, good opportunity for redevelopment. Would suit first time buyers or incestuous brother / sister / father / mother combo needing hide out
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:41 pm
by Fez
ANNOUNCEMENTS
After twenty-five years of marriage, Doreen, ex-wife of Alan, is happy to announce the confirmation of their divorce and would like to celebrate by blowing the first alimony payment on a wild weekend of booze, sex and shopping with total strangers. Everyone welcome ? party begins with bonfire at Alan?s house (correction bonfire OF Alan?s house).
Horrified parents would like to announce birth of incredibly ugly child weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces, grossly disproportionate head compared to rest of body, snotty, bald, flatulent, tendency to urinate without warning, probably a girl with superfluous penis. See the freak at a maternity ward near you!
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:30 pm
by Andy
Fez wrote:FOR SALE
Realistic looking inflatable doll, 5?6, blonde hair, blue eyes, puncture repair kit included. One careful owner
If I have told you once, I've told you a thousand times .... I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR USED GOODS FEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put it on E-Bay. Don't try to sell me ''sheila'', ''tracey'' or whatever her damn name is again.
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:40 pm
by Fez
what if i sweeten the deal with a subscription to Tits & Bits magazine?
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:46 pm
by Fez
i'll even throw in the limited edition electric moving parts for the doll. i can't say fairer than that, i'm a businessman after all. final offer
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:41 pm
by Andy
If it talks, I'd like to know what phrases it says. Everything needs to be positive, I don't want a 'moaning woman' - well, I do, but not that type of 'moaning'.
The subscription to
Tits and Bits does certainly improve the deal but scares me at the same time.
On reflection, I consider the deal to be off. I could never imagine you as being a 'careful owner' with something like this.
Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:43 pm
by Andy
Astley Times
House for sale in the village. 33 Maddely Crescent.
One requirement for a quick sale, the future owner must be 'damned'.
Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 8:38 am
by Lizzie
Stop !! You're scaring me !!!!
Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 1:19 pm
by Mike
Distrubing but fun! :D
Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 5:07 pm
by Lizzie
Remind me never to go out alone in Astley !!!
Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 7:27 pm
by Guest
Astley Times
Star signs
Taurus
A strange disease will visit you. It will be your grandma, the mad cow. Nothing will get rid of her. Luck visits you in the form of a ring.
Aquarius
You day will be sad, miserable and lonely. Do not bother to make any plans because luck is not in your path. Spend your day inside. You are guaranteed to get wet.
Pisces
You have been very good recently and you must reward yourself. Spend a little money today and treat the family to a meal. How about 'Fish and Chips'?
Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 7:29 pm
by Andy
sorry, that was me. Doh!
Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:03 am
by Mike
Underwear for Sale
10 year old boxers, well driven, with less than 10,000 wears on the clock, must be seen to be believed. Genuine reason for sale, full MOT and tax till March 2006. Serious offers only.
