The Astley Times

Fez · Post by **Fez** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:39 pm

PERSONAL ADS
Rich bachelor, 74, seeks young nubile girl 16-25 for final fling before death. Must like spending other people?s money, long repetitive conversations that don?t go anywhere and butterscotch toffees

Mummy?s boy, 35, short, balding and overweight seeks similar female to share interest in caravans and lawnmowers. Please send picture of caravan

Scared of commitment? Domineering workaholic businesswoman, 42, wants younger man for sex and nothing else. Applicants should telephone to arrange an appointment. No virgins

Possessive young woman with a number of restraining orders issued against her seeks married man to dream about and plot death of current wife. No time wasters

Fez · Post by **Fez** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:40 pm

FOR SALE
Realistic looking inflatable doll, 5?6, blonde hair, blue eyes, puncture repair kit included. One careful owner

Chainsaw and hockey mask, blood stains optional, suitable for murder spree. Partially used

Solid oak coffin, red satin interior, brass fittings throughout, would suit a man or woman approx. 6ft. Genuine reasons for resale

Rabbits for sale either as pets, pie fillings, scientific experiments, coats or interesting fur accessories. Contact Geoff at the Happy Valley pet shop. More in stock every week throughout breeding season

Fez · Post by **Fez** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:40 pm

PROPERTY
Manchester city centre apartment, fully furnished, double-glazed, 30 inch TV and incredible stereo included. Was once love nest for happy couple ? revenge is mine you bastard

Shack in Alabama, great views of local dust bowl, en suite toilet pot, no electric, gas or central heating, good opportunity for redevelopment. Would suit first time buyers or incestuous brother / sister / father / mother combo needing hide out

Fez · Post by **Fez** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:41 pm

ANNOUNCEMENTS
After twenty-five years of marriage, Doreen, ex-wife of Alan, is happy to announce the confirmation of their divorce and would like to celebrate by blowing the first alimony payment on a wild weekend of booze, sex and shopping with total strangers. Everyone welcome ? party begins with bonfire at Alan?s house (correction bonfire OF Alan?s house).

Horrified parents would like to announce birth of incredibly ugly child weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces, grossly disproportionate head compared to rest of body, snotty, bald, flatulent, tendency to urinate without warning, probably a girl with superfluous penis. See the freak at a maternity ward near you!

Andy · Post by **Andy** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:30 pm

Fez wrote:FOR SALE
Realistic looking inflatable doll, 5?6, blonde hair, blue eyes, puncture repair kit included. One careful owner

If I have told you once, I've told you a thousand times .... I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR USED GOODS FEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Put it on E-Bay. Don't try to sell me ''sheila'', ''tracey'' or whatever her damn name is again.

Fez · Post by **Fez** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:40 pm

what if i sweeten the deal with a subscription to Tits & Bits magazine?

Fez · Post by **Fez** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:46 pm

i'll even throw in the limited edition electric moving parts for the doll. i can't say fairer than that, i'm a businessman after all. final offer

Andy · Post by **Andy** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:41 pm

If it talks, I'd like to know what phrases it says. Everything needs to be positive, I don't want a 'moaning woman' - well, I do, but not that type of 'moaning'.

The subscription to Tits and Bits does certainly improve the deal but scares me at the same time.

On reflection, I consider the deal to be off. I could never imagine you as being a 'careful owner' with something like this.

Andy · Post by **Andy** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:43 pm

Astley Times

House for sale in the village. 33 Maddely Crescent.

One requirement for a quick sale, the future owner must be 'damned'.

Lizzie · Post by **Lizzie** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 8:38 am

Stop !! You're scaring me !!!!

Post by **Mike** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 1:19 pm

Distrubing but fun! :D

Lizzie · Post by **Lizzie** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 5:07 pm

Remind me never to go out alone in Astley !!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 7:27 pm

Astley Times

Star signs

Taurus
A strange disease will visit you. It will be your grandma, the mad cow. Nothing will get rid of her. Luck visits you in the form of a ring.

Aquarius
You day will be sad, miserable and lonely. Do not bother to make any plans because luck is not in your path. Spend your day inside. You are guaranteed to get wet.

Pisces
You have been very good recently and you must reward yourself. Spend a little money today and treat the family to a meal. How about 'Fish and Chips'?

Andy · Post by **Andy** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 7:29 pm

sorry, that was me. Doh!

Post by **Mike** » Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:03 am

Underwear for Sale

10 year old boxers, well driven, with less than 10,000 wears on the clock, must be seen to be believed. Genuine reason for sale, full MOT and tax till March 2006. Serious offers only.